"Norman likes it. So should you."

Click here for 'Old Classic' quotes (they took up too much room and slowed the page).

Our quotes:

"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with Caroline for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity!"

Simon: "What's the weather like today?" Me: "Incestuous."

"Simon Amstell... If I was a gay, I'd want to be him, or bum him."

"How old do you reckon those children were crossing the road, because one was quite fit?"

"Jews don't eat pork- rappers do!" - Me. It's true.

"My cup glows in the dark." "So does your mum." - Me and Simon, sober.

"Don't hug me, I'm not wearing a bra!" - drunken hysteria after Extrav.

"Let's make like two trailer park girls and go round the outside." - Me and Simon.

"YEAH, IAIN!" -Everyone, at any opportunity.

"Yesterday, well I say yesterday, it was a few years ago now..." - Adam.

"Ich bin nicht ins ein rollstuhl, du wichser!" - the only German phrase you'll ever need, made by me, although Iain stole it to impress the Germans. Grah.

Tatt: "His ideal partner would be a council estate mother of seven, called Barbara!" Me: "...I just took that to mean Barbara WAS seven, not had seven kids!"

"Sainsbury's these days is just full of erotic fruits." - My Nana!

"So THAT'S where I left my igneous rock collection!" - me, whilst pointing at a certain Celtic-necklace loving woman.

"MUNTER HUNTER!" - Matthew.

Our Venice quotes (they require their own section):

"You love it!"

"In your knickers!"

"Your mum!"

"You love it in your mum's knickers!"

"Throwing poo... at your mum!"

Laura: "Someone had done a poo and thrown it on the floor." Matthew: "It was you, wasn't it?"

"Singing... YOU'VE BEEN CHEATING AND TELLING ME LIES!"

"I think I'll go for a swim." -Matthew after throwing up for around 3 hours. And he did.

"She wants me!" - Matthew to some random Chinese girl.

"I heard you sleep around?" - Matthew.

"Flying hookers!" - Matthew.

"I can see your knickers" "Yeah but at least I'm not foreign!" - erm...

 "Do you drink Fosters? Do you have a pet kangaroo?" - Everyone to Chris. We love stereotypes!

"Wild pork!" - Simon

"TWO WEEKS! Fuckin ell!" - Woman in WH Smith at the airport.

"Your friend's out of control!" - Hafiz Wan.

"Ciao bella!" - Everyone.

"DONGA!" and "dinga donga!" - Simon

Scally girl: "Where's your hat from?" Simon: "Donga... I speaka no Eeenglish... hey everyone let's go."

"Are you religious? Do you know the pope?" -Me.

"You look like a 50's film star."

"I'M IN THE NUDE FOR DANCING!" - Laura and Matthew.

"Where are you from? Oh. We don't have time for you." - Me. Apparently.

"Take a look at my girlfriend, she's the only one I got!"

"Did I mention I had a story? Would you like to hear a story?" - Me.

"Oh you have glasses... let's swap... I want to eat them..."

"TOUCH MY FIRE... gently." - Simon and me.

"I'm BISEXUAL. Would you like to go for a walk?" - Paul.

"Do you speak English?" "No!" -Friendly local builders.

"I lost my virginity at 12, to my Grandmother." - Laura.

"Beat ass hoes!" - Simon.

"Merde!"

"Ding ding da da ding DING" - Matthew's bus dance.

"Can I see the video? Can I see the video? Can I see the video?" "NO!" -Me and Matthew for a whole bus journey.

"I'm too hot... I'm too cold..." - Matthew.

"I'm a Barbie girl!" - Huge man in a speed boat

"One euro to urinate?" - Indian family in the square.

"Crackwhores!"

"Go back to your cabins!" - 50 cent shouting at us- he loved it!

"Have fun in Peru!" "I'm going to Chile!" - Simon

"I'll rephrase it." - The boy child face called Erin.

"Oh it's fine, you're uneducated!" - Me to American guys.

"Are you from London?... Liverpool? Do you know the Beatles?" "We ARE the Beatles!" -Everyone.

"Let's have starters!"

"Laura is Matthew's bed."

"Where can we get a stick?" "The FIELDS!" - Me and Simon.

"We wanted to scare you so we left some cheese and a bottle of whisky on your doorstep."

"Put a paper bag on his head... with a hole in it!" - Laura.

"Grilled chicken parts!"

"Hey I'm Shawn from Brisbane, do you prefer Madonna or Kylie?" -Shawn.

"What happens in Venice stays in Venice."

"What we eat in Venice stays in Venice, so get pooing!"

"BEHOLD my bosoms!" - Simon.

"Here's your whisky!" - Waiter.

"There's a poo on my chair!" - Matthew.

"Let's reminisce about when Iain came 2nd in a beauty contest in Monopoly." - Matthew.

"That's hot." - Matthew.

"Say whaaaaaaaat?" - Matthew.

"You have to buy two drinks just in case happy hour ends, it's about to end, BUY THEM!" - Charlotte.

"FLY MY HOOKERS!" - Matthew.

Celebrity quotes:

"Chico, he was a huge star. He had a time named after him."- Simon Amstell.

"My neck looks like a pencil!" -Louis Theroux.

"You haven't got a soul- and with any luck you haven't got herpes either!" -Skins.

"Is your fringe ok now? It's an occupational hazard." -Irwin from the Hoosiers, to ME, yes that's right- we're basically best friends now.

"Some say a MOBO is worthless, but it does get you 20 nectar points and free entry to the Keswick Pencil Museum." -Simon Amstell.

"The things that thrill me may not thrill you." "Maybe the things that thrill me won't get me 500 years in prison..." "Yeah, that's the thing." -Louis Theroux and a prisoner.

"Why so many noodles?!" -Louis Theroux.

Randomer quotes:  

"Does she make it often?" "Well, she's not cooked it for 10 years, because she's dead!" -Canadians on a train in France.

"Watch out for those French men, they'll pinch your bottom!" -Simon's grandpa.

"No, he's blind." "Oh, I thought he was just Welsh."

"They've caught Nasser Hussein!"

"You'll never guess what's happened to Maureen. She's only gone and died."