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Our
'old classic' quotes:
"Tartery the
Artery, Jane the Vein and Hillary the Capillary" - Me and Matthew
"We are
privileged to have seen these torches." - Matthew
"I’m having an
asthma attack!" - Matthew
“Oh my God
there’s a fly under my chair...” -Matthew
"Hey la, play Hoopla" - Me and Matthew
"Momma, where’s Poppa gone?" -Mattheau
“My sunflower’s bigger than yours, but it’s plastic.” -Femmy
"Don’t pullover, jumper!" - the radio advert.
"Apple core flavoured paper" - Matthew in an exam.
"Thrusting Wellingtons with frog eyes on" -Me and Matthew
“I was on telly last night” -Random “Did it break?” -Matthew
"Bognor Regis." -Mark "Oh, bang a Jesus." -Matthew
"A door! He used to walk through doors." -me, "No, he got stuck in doors."
-Matthew
“They’re going to die anyway, why shouldn’t we test on them?” -Me
“What do you do for a job?”… “Take tails off peas and put them on sticks.”
"Imagine if there was someone in our class with seven eyes and we all had to
pretend they were normal..."-Matthew
“What’s brown, plays music, and lives in a tree? A grand piano!” -Mister
Waggett
"Anyway, who was it that said Caroline has no arms? I think it was David, he
is such a shit stirrer" -Matthew, in the midst of a heated discussion.
"Captain Birds Eye, with a nose for a leg and a bird for an eye, he looks
like a ship and smells like a pie... he must be really succulent."
“Doctor, Doctor! I’ve got a distinctive smell!”… “Ah you’ve got Thunderball.
You'll have to sit on ice for a week”
"William Billiam Filliam Dilliam Gilliam!"
"Dirty pop... N Sync know it's just coke that used to be lemonade." -Matthew
"There was an old woman who swallowed a fly; I don’t know why, perhaps
she’ll die... She died. Perhaps she’ll die?" - Matthew
“I thought Whoopi Goldberg was a wrestler” -Matthew
"AYTWIT- Are you thinking what I’m thinking?"
"To me, to you, to me, to you, you smell, I hope you die; you are also ugly,
Happy Valentines Day.
In most cards there is a cute phrase, but this one is for you. And you are
ugly. So there isn’t. Get cosmetic surgery. You need it!
Happy Valentines Day. I got you a mirror. If I were you, I’d look in it.
Then kill myself. You are ugly. Eww." - A selection of the Valentine's
cards.
"Pwave and Swave"
"We can start a Gerry and the Pacemakers tribute band... Terry and the
Facerakers."
"He gives me bags of sweets then gang rapes me. By himself."
The opening to a story- "The two of you and this random persons brother are
sat on a hobo, when you feel a grand piano touch your bum repeatedly."
"If you are scared go and play with some crayons or any other kind of
dangerous electrical device near water."
"Wavewidth!"
"Didjeridonttouchthatyoudirtyhoe"
"Mathematics? Ugh! I mean Operatics!"- Maths
"I knew it must be gentle, as it worked on my silk ties!" -Maths
"No, but I know what his wife does!" -Maths
"Fatima buys three pieces of skirting board... must be a small room." -Maths
Matthew: "YES!" Me: "What?" Matthew: "Oh nothing, I just proposed to
myself."
"I'm not saying you are unattractive, but I think you're really ugly!"
-Matthew
"I once knitted a scarf for my house."
"Oh will you look at that, you can see the dark bronze leaves of that
Japanese maple in the enclosed courtyard peeping out above the roofing!"
-Heather
"Anyway, back to ME!"
"How do you like your eggs in the morning? Fertilised?!?!" - Poster.
"Here's your pasta- I mean Pepsi!" -Pizza Hut woman, Stacey.
"Imagine if we had spines on our fronts..." -Matthew
"You had a cup stuck on your face!" -Matthew "Yeah well, I had sex with your
dad!" -Hazel
"Happy birthday for Christmas!" -Matthew a man who looked like Jesus.
"Imagine if Jeremy Beadle was under the table with his neighbour's daughter
Chloe." -Matthew
"I had this man in the taxi the other day and he was 92 and he say: when I
was young I tell my dick stay down! But now I am old, I have been telling it
for years go up." -Taxi driver
"He's bi. That means we're all in danger!" -Me
"Hello, did you read the Independent today? No, neither did I, I'm
illiterate and very, very drunk!" -Matthew
"I just thought you should know that he's drunk and tying himself to a
washing line!" -Iain
"I ain't spoken to H for time...Yo, mah H! Whaddup man, I ain't spoken to
you for time!"- Shisha girl
"My fave artist is Mozart... I just love her drawings." -Matthew
"Life goes so fast- like a baby!" -Matthew's grandmother
"She asked for a Mark F- one size bigger than a marquEe!" -Iain
"That's an awfully clever contraption" -Simon " Yes, I stole it from a
MILKMAN!" -Barman
"Sissy? Sissy? I'm not a sissy! I'm a gay!" -Ben "Yes. Another classic
definition." -Matthew
"She's so Scandinavian and as we all know, that's Netto for value." -Matthew
"His car isn't second hand! It is previously enjoyed." -Iain
"I would like to thank both my parents, especially my mother and my father."
"That statue's got a funny knob!" -Me, at Iain's 18th, prior to getting
thrown out.
"Don't step on that grass, it's just been laid!" "So have I!"
"This cider is like... alcoholic apple juice..." -Matthew
"Not the only thing you ride, love!" -Simon to some scally on a bike.
"Grab a spoon, children. There's a spoon, there's a spoon... for people who
like BUM SEX!" -Matthew handing spoons out to us all.
"We watched in horror as children did sport even though they didn't have to.
It was horrendous! Eventually we saw Iain's face in the distance. It was
horrendous!" -Matthew documenting our day of visiting Iain's school.
"Hello, my name is Olga and I'm a lady! How do I do you?" -Olga
"Tell us a story, Simon." -Me "Can it be a nice Jesus story?" -Simon "If you
must." -Me "Okay, once upon a time, Jesus said: 'Will you turn that fucking
rap off?!'" -Simon annoyed at the chavs in school.
"Thank God everything in that bag was canular!" -Iain, after dropping all
our drinks.
"This is my depressed tortoise, Joey- that's short for Spitfire." -Simon
"You're a wonderful person!" -Simon "Erm, thanks..." -Pizza delivery man.
"Roses are red, violets are blue, I want to fuck you with a rake."
"With the drink flowing and the ugly people also, erm, flowing..." -Iain
"I'll get carrots because they look good when I throw up." -Me at the Bay
Horse. Never again.
"I want to be reincarnated as... an air-conditioning device." -Simon
"We drew Iain as a teapot which was short and stout - With his shirt hanging
out - and a great big pig-like snout - brewing like an unruly lout - who
happens to have a bad case of gout - and he was sat on a couch- no Laura
couch doesn't rhyme..." - Me and Laura
"We ate the pavlova." -Iain, dramatically.
"The dress code is gingham- be there AND be square."
Heather: "When I get a boyfriend, I don't want him to call me babe or
sweetie." Me: "What will he call you then?" Matthew: "Penis face!"
"HELLOOOO? Did anyone order an ugly person?" -Iain whilst knocking on Ken's
door
"Craig has a huge penis *pause* in his face." -Stu
"Quentin, the albino gentleman." - Me and Simon
"Any questions?" -Jean "Yeah, can we go home?" -Simon at a revision session.
"My coat was billowing behind me, like a steam engine. Of course I talk of
steam engines still existing, they are nothing more than an erotic memory in
the mind of a trainspotter." -Iain
"Is that a sexually transmitted disease? No, it's a geranium!"
"The neighbours will just think it's my new jet skis..." - Me and Simon
"Ooh aah ooh, cash machine!" - the cash machine song in Bowness.
"I don't want compensation, I want a sandwich!" -Matthew, annoyed with
Preston train station
"The delays on this train station have subsequently caused me to be 64 hours
late for a wedding." -Iain "Charles and Camilla will be devastated!"
-Matthew
"Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get.
Apart from FAT!" -Some woman in Southport
"Try TCP, Nina." -Footballers' Wives
"Just COOK the bastards!" -Me, about some poor ducks.
"B-Line taxis? Bin-Liner taxis more like!" -Andy
"Jim'll CruciFIX It" - Matthew, controversially!
"Some thing are better when they're open..." -poster "LIKE MY LEGS!"
"Do you fucking want a fight?"- Some twat in Southport "No, I just want to
eat my onion rings in peace." -David
"Is it true... that you used to be a woman?" - Everyone.
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